God's Time
(Optional) Sixth Talk: Obstacles to God’s Friendship

While I was writing this talk, trying to pull my ideas together, the other members of the team mentioned that this is perhaps the hardest talk to give. But now I’m not so sure about that. All of the talks you’ve heard – and will hear – are difficult. It’s always hard to uncover your true self for other people to see. It’s always easier to put on a mask, to make it look like everything is okay, especially in front of people we’ve just met, than it is to be ourselves.

I may be wrong, but I think this talk is probably as hard to receive, as it is to give. I believe that what I am about to say is necessary, and I hop you will receive it in the right way. Just as the team ask you to avoid judging this retreat before it is over, I will also ask you to stay open to my words from start to finish, to hear me out.

Opening Song: I Am A Rock

I wasn’t sure I wanted to begin with this song. It seemed too harsh, too negative. So many of the songs we’ve heard during Kairos have been very positive, pointing towards the really wonderful things of life, especially friendship. But this “golden oldie” by Simon and Garfunkel strikes home in many ways. It’s about a guy sitting alone in his room, afraid to deal with other people. His only friends are his books and his poetry-things which cannot challenge him, threaten him, or, for that matter, love him. He’s safe within his room, hiding in his room, touching no one and forbidding others to touch him. That’s a sure-fire way to guarantee that others won’t hurt us, change us, or find out the truth about who we really are. “I am a rock, I am an island,” he sings.

Give an example of yourself or someone who cut himself off from others, who became an “island”.

A famous poet once wrote, “No man is an island.” We need others in our lives. When we were infants we depended on everyone around us. We needed others, especially our parents, to feed us, to dress us, to change our diapers, and to respond to our cries. As we grew older, we continued to depend on others – not to feed us or to change our diapers, but to provide companionship, friendship, a shoulder to lean on and a sympathetic ear to listen to and respond to our cries for help.

Mention someone you rely on in your life. Why do you rely on this person? What need does this person fill in your life? What would your life be like if this person wasn’t around to rely on?

“No man is an island.” Sometimes, however, we feel like islands – isolated from others, cut off from our friends. Sometimes it seems like no one cares, no one is listening, no one has time for us. Sometimes we cut ourselves off form others. We wonder if friendship of any kind – even with God – is really worth the effort. Sure, its nice to hang out with some people and to have a good time, but to become deeply involved means that we would have to show our true selves to others – and that’s not always an easy thing to do. We think, “What if they don’t like me? What if they reject me? What if they laugh at me?” And that can be painful.

So we sometimes become islands. We try to avoid the risk that friendship involves. We put on masks, hide our true selves, and hope to be accepted – not for who we really are, but for what we hope people will think we are. Our lives become a costume party where we continually “dress up” as something or someone we’re not.

Sometimes we dress up like ice cubes. We act cold and indifferent toward others. “So you have a problem, huh? Gee, I’d like to help but I really can’t get involved.”

Give an example, if you can …

Or we pretend that nothing bothers or shakes us, that we’re “cool” to everything and everyone. “Well, my dog just died and my girlfriend dumped me and I flunked three finals and my boss threatened to fire me. Hey, I can handle it – no problem – I’m cool.”

…or give an example of this instead.

There are times when we dress up like clowns. We refuse to take anything seriously – life, relationships, problems are just one big joke. We try to convince ourselves that nothing bothers us or shakes us up, that life is just a game to be enjoyed. Jesus described this mask when he spoke of the foolish man whose attitude was, “Eat, drink, and party, for tomorrow we may all be dead.”

At other times we pretend to be clouds. We just drift through life, floating along and dealing with whatever may come our way. But, like the clouds, we just drift. Our lives and our relationships are going no where in particular. Whatever happens, happens. In the process, nothing really meaningful ever happens. This may bother us, but we have to just keep floating along so that we look like everything is fine, like we don’t have a care in the world.

Sometimes we dress up like a brick wall. Nothing can change us, move us, or shake us. We think, “I dare you to challenge me! You’ll never change me.” We come off as real “hard asses”, constantly on the defensive and ever-ready to face – and destroy – anyone who gets in our way.

Give an example of someone you know who has this attitude but who, like Humpty-Dumpty, fell off the wall.

There are those moments when we dress up like a giant question mark. We question and challenge everyone and everything. We think, “Who are you to tell me that? How do you know that you’re right? Are you trying to say that I’m wrong? Why should I listen to you?” We push others out of our lives because we become our own guides, our own teacher, our own leader, our own God. We refuse to follow anyone except ourselves, even if we are wrong – which, of course, we aren’t.

Once in a while we dress up like puppies. We follow everyone and imitate everything they do, hoping that they’ll like us and accept us and pat us on the head. If someone we’re trying to impress says, “I like this song” or “I like this movie,” we always agree – not because we do, but because we’re afraid we won’t be accepted or liked if we disagree. We’ll gladly do things we don’t really want to do rather than feeling that we don’t belong to “the crowd”.

Give some type of example, maybe involving drinking, drugs, or gangs.

And then there are those times when we dress up like birds. We fly around from so-called friend to friend, from group to group, trying to fit in somewhere, yet never quite sure where or when we should stay put. We become friends with someone, only to find that when someone supposedly “better” or “different” or “more exciting” comes along we “leave the nest” and find a new perch to sit on.

Give an example…

Haven’t we all dressed up like kings or queens at times? We feel we reign supreme, we have authority over others, we have the power to manipulate them and use them and get them to do our will. And, when they no longer benefit us, we assassinate them through gossip or lies or hard feelings. It’s as if we’re saying, “I’ll be your friend so long as I can control you and tell you what to do and make myself happy in the process.”

Once in a while we dress up like knives, cutting and slashing our way through life, destroying anything that may stand in our way. “I” am the most important thing. I am “numero uno”, number one. I’ve got to look out for myself; I can’t let anyone get in my way and if they do, I have to do away with them. I’ll stab you before you have a chance to stab me. After all, if I don’t look out for myself, who’s going to look out for me?

And finally, we’ve all shown up at life’s costume party as whiners. We complain, we moan and groan. “No one’s life is as difficult as mine. No one has it as rough as I do. You’ll never know how bad my life is. I never get any breaks. Nothing ever goes right for me. Pity poor, poor me!” We soon discover that people avoid us because they hate to hear us whine and complain. We feel even worse – but at least we have something new to complain and whine about and people notice us, even if what they see is negative.

If we’re really being honest with ourselves, we all have to admit that, from time to time, we’ve put on some of these masks and costumes. Because we’re sometimes afraid to reveal our true selves and to accept ourselves as we really are, we find masks all-too-often comforting. Yet we find little comfort or joy in the fact that putting on masks and living our lives as if we were at a perpetual costume party only destroys our friendships and prevents our relationships from being truly loving. Ultimately, we – you and I – must take personal responsibility for the failure of friendship.

I often ask myself why I hurt other, but I can’t answer it completely. All I know is that very often I am the problem. I am the brick wall. I am the rock which will not accept or give friendship. I put people off and I put people down. And, in the same way, very often I am the biggest obstacle to God’s offer of friendship and love.

A rich young man once came to Jesus and asked Him what he had to do to be one of Jesus’ followers. Jesus’ answer was simple: “Give away all you have and come, follow me.” The rich young man went away, the Bible says, sad. He wanted to follow Jesus, but he couldn’t give up the riches which controlled him. It wasn’t Jesus who became the obstacle, nor was it Jesus words. The young man became his own obstacle. He wanted to be friends with Jesus, but he wasn’t willing to do the things Jesus’ asked of him. He was sad because he knew what to do, but he was unwilling to do it.

Give a similar example of how caring more for ourselves can be an obstacle to caring for and loving others.

The greatest obstacle to friendship, then, is selfishness – caring about myself more than others. Jesus challenges us to put the needs of others before our own needs, to serve others rather than to demand that others serve us, to take off the masks that we hide behind and to allow the unique persons that we are to shine through, to accept others as signs of God’s presence in our lives rather than as enemies or foes or rivals or objects to be used for our own pleasure and glorification. It is only when I take off my masks, I open myself to accepting friendship from God and those around me.

Give a brief account of how you came to believe this about yourself.

I’d like to ask you to put your heads down and close your eyes during the closing song. As you reflect on the words, make a commitment to take off whatever masks you wear. Think about the unique, God-given gifts which make you an icon of God’s love and friendship. And consider ways by which you can allow your “true colors” to shine through.

After a break, the adult leader will do “Results of God’s Friendship” talk, followed by distribution of letters. After letters are read and distributed, time will be given for private reading. The leader may ask the participants to share their reactions to the letters, after which the leader should offer some type of closing talk to wrap up the retreat.

Crosses should be distributed to all participants before the end of the retreat. The priest should give a little talk on their meaning before asking each participant to come forward to take a cross.

If Vespers is included, all of the above should be worked around the time of the service.

		Department of Youth, Young Adult, and Campus Ministry Orthodox Church in America PO Box 675 Syosset, NY 11791 http://yya.oca.org yyacm@oca.org The Hub | Back to top