From the Office:

Real Questions, Real Answers!

You Gave Us Your Questions on Sex -- Here are Some Answers!

Questions:

I am writing to you because lately I have had a lot of questions about the Church and I really don't know who or where to ask. Everybody seems to have different answers nowadays, it's difficult to keep things straight. I guess I just want to do what's right, but it's so hard to tell anymore. I am not even sure where to start.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my life and where it is going. I am 20 years old and about to start my third year of college. I'm doing pretty well, I guess. What I want to ask you isn't very easy to talk about — I've never really asked a priest much less a bishop about these things. When I came to college I wanted to have a lot of fun. I got to be away from home and away from everybody that expected me to be a certain way. I've been able to meet a lot of new and different people and had a lot of good experiences. At the same time, I am having a hard time relating to my faith in Jesus Christ. I feel like my mind is open now, but not as sure as it once was.

Some day I want to have a family and all that but not right now. I'd like to be able to establish myself in a career first. Sometimes I feel that the Church doesn't want me to. Whenever I talk to people back home from the parish they want to know if I am going to get married. I feel so rushed. I've met a lot of guys here but no one yet that I could really see myself marrying. How am I supposed to know who's right for me anyway? I feel like I am not supposed to really get to know someone intimately until I am married. Shouldn't people be allowed to have sex before they're married, to see if they are really compatible? Wouldn't that cut down on divorces and make marriages stronger?

I guess I have a whole problem with this sin thing. I mean, God created us this way, to be sexual beings, didn't He? It seems wrong to say that what is natural is a sin. I feel that the Church doesn't want me to have any sexual feelings and that if I do I should run to confession. Why? Is there something wrong with my body? The other night, my boyfriend and I were watching movies and studying on the couch and fell asleep. It was so nice to wake up in each other's arms. I mean, nothing happened, so what's the big deal? I can't understand why the Church would want me to feel guilty for that. I don't see why God would love me any less.

A lot of my friends are having sex. As long as they use protection, it doesn't seem to be doing them any harm. How far can a person go without it being a sin? Some people seem to think that even heavy petting is a mortal sin. I don't get all these hang-ups. Aren't we living in a more enlightened time? And what if we lose our virginity with someone we love but aren't married, are we going to hell? Why would God do that to us? Isn't God supposed to be love? What if we want to show our love by having sex? Sex should be something sacred, not something dirty. Not every religion thinks sex is dirty.

I guess I want to know if I am wrong for thinking all these things. Oh, and one more thing. Not that I do this myself, but is masturbation a sin? Does the Church really want us to feel ashamed of our natural feelings? I try to ask God for help on all these questions but I don't know what I really want anymore.

Answers:

Truly, knowing what direction to take with one's sexuality is one of the most difficult challenges facing the men and women of America today. This task is made doubly difficult by the existence on the one hand of a secular culture that promotes an "anything goes" attitude, and on the other hand a sexually repressive non-Orthodox religious mainstream that promotes shame, guilt, and hypocrisy, harshly judging any public figure exposed for sexual misbehavior. Our voice as Orthodox Christians is too easily drowned out by the ever-present media which surrounds us daily with confusing, misleading, and unhealthy messages.

The good news is that God does not want us to feel ashamed of what He created us to be. We have been given our sexuality for a purpose. Many of us will feel the call to marry and express our sexuality in that way. Not all of us will hear that call in our lives, and some of us will wait before we can make the decision to marry or not. We must be patient. What is most important is that we do not squander our sexuality, and mistreat the bodies which have been given us as "temples of the Holy Spirit." We will have sexual feelings that come to us naturally, and there is no shame in this. We will also be confronted with temptations, and these we resist out of our love for God. Sin only comes to exist when we turn away from God's will.

One of the greatest temptations facing young people today as well as in the time of the Holy Apostle Paul is premarital sex, or fornication. We are led to believe that this is a natural part of dating and getting to know someone, and that we have to know someone sexually before we can say we are truly close to them. Nothing could be further from the truth. By rushing into sex, we trample over intimacy and the possibility of making a loving connection with a person. We may think that we are drawing closer to a person, when all we are doing is clouding our relationship. A relationship takes commitment, effort, sacrifice, and understanding. What we think helps a relationship grow is actually stunting growth.

The pleasure of sex and the release of tensions that go with it are a false form of intimacy. We should know well enough that if we drink alcohol or take drugs in order to feel liked or loved by our peers, this is a false foundation for friendship. We should also be able to recognize that sex can be abused like drugs and alcohol as a replacement for real love and real intimacy. Did you know that there are actually people, many of whom come to the church for guidance and healing, who are afflicted with addictions to the physical pleasures of sex? They do not think they are addicts, but they have lost control of their lives and seek sex as a substitute for love. Their failure to see the proper place of sex in their lives contributes greatly to damaging their personal relationships and marriages.

Our Church does not approach sex as a sin. Rather, it is the abuse of sex that is the sin. When we hear of "works of the flesh," these include not only fornication and adultery, but such sins as hatred, jealousy, selfish ambitions, drunkenness, and such sins which are related more to our hearts than to our bodies. Turning away from sexual sin means turning away from selfish indulgence to sobriety, humility, and faith. From the "flesh" we turn to the "spirit," whose fruits are love, gentleness, kindness, self-control, joy, and peace (Gal 5:17-25).

It is in marriage that the fruits of the Spirit are fully revealed. A married couple has made the commitment before God to live for these fruits in a way which is serious and sincere, as the two have become one flesh and now live for each other and not for themselves. Thus, in marriage our sexuality can be fully expressed in a sacred manner, without selfishness, envy, and "drunkenness." If we are not called to marriage, our sexuality can still be fulfilled without falling into sin, by giving it to God as a sweet-smelling sacrifice, especially in a life devoted to prayer. If we truly want to treat sex as something sacred, and not something cheap or worthless, we should preserve it without squandering as a gift from God that we should use to glorify God.

Those who slip and fall before the face of the many temptations are not lost, however. If they turn away from their sin and turn to God, both their forgiveness and true sexual fulfillment await. No person has ever been free from temptation, and we need to support each other, not judge each other. It is equally important that we keep ourselves out of the way of possible temptations, guarding our senses and our hearts from seductive thoughts. Instead of asking "How far can I go without sinning?" ask "How far should I go?" or "What kind of person am I becoming through the choices I am making?" Temptation, when entertained and consented to, takes what is good and natural, our desire for love, and twists it into a deformity of lust and empty longing.

This brings us to your last question on masturbation. I would suggest to you not to pose your question as "Is masturbation a sin?" but in terms of "What is sinful about masturbation?" If you follow the analogy of sexual pleasure as a drug, you can see that masturbation is like a "gateway" drug. What is so dangerous about masturbation is that it seems harmless. But what happens when we become accustomed to sexual pleasure? We can become used to the sensations until we feel that we need them. They become compulsions and we become addicts. It then becomes easier to say "yes" to a host of new temptations. We become servants to lust, and our imagination becomes locked in impurity. What happens next? The soul, enslaved to the pursuit of fleeting moments of pleasure, becomes unable to relate to people as anything but potential objects of fantasy. We begin to hurt not only ourselves but our neighbor as we fail to show them true love. The soul, spiritually dulled by its sensual feasting, eventually becomes unable to relate to God, and we are lost.

The great danger in masturbation is that it can so easily become an addiction. If a young person reaches puberty and feels the longing to explore the body, this is as much a sin as a child who smells fresh baked cookies for the first time and hungers for them. We do not condemn this in children. But when the child becomes a glutton, and cannot bear to forgo the cookies, and will go to any length to get into the cookie jar, then I think you can see the problem. We must not let the shame of our sins make us despair of God's love, driving us deeper into our addiction which promises a superficial and temporary relief for our pains. We must give whatever shame and sin we have to God on a daily basis, so that we might be restored to innocence.

I would exhort you to refrain from premarital sex as well. This is not so that you give up your freedom to feel shame, but that you might experience true freedom in our Lord Jesus Christ, without fear of condemnation. God loves you and has a plan for you, and if you seek to follow His will, you will be more fulfilled than you can possibly imagine. I think you know that God cares about you and wants to be a part of your life. There is a simple way to let God's plan for your relationships be revealed. Allow your relationships to develop based on lasting, genuine intimacy and not the fleeting pleasures of casual sex. Let your heart be sober, gentle, and humble, so that you never feel the spiritual loss of sin.

Please, continue to seek counsel from the Church. I recommend that you also seek a spiritual father who is close to where you live and to whom you may speak in person. Now that you are away from your home parish, it is important that you develop an individual relationship with a pastor of the Church who can help guide you through your transition into an independent young adult. We need guidance through this stormy life, just as a ship needs a navigator in stormy seas. And most of all, I pray to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ that He will shine the light of His countenance upon you and your friends to guide you in the right path, keeping you safe from every snare of the enemy, and bringing you to the Kingdom of Heaven.

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